Grace Available

Something has been changing for me in the last year. It has been almost 8 years since the events that made me begin to feel like a heretic. I saw that I was on a path that I recognized could end in accusations of rebellion and eventual excommunication, but I didn't think I was wrong (nobody in this position ever does). Many call this situation a "faith crisis" and it can take many forms. Today I think I'm ready to talk about it, mostly because I feel like I have reached a milestone that somewhat approximately matches the return phase of the hero's journey.

Before I go too far, I want everyone to know that I might not be a good person. It's not like I'm out running around kicking puppies and punching babies or anything, but I know that I'm capable of both cruelty and betrayal. I know that if they wanted to there are a few people who could come out of the woodwork and accuse me of being a terrible person and there would be nothing to be done other than to own it, accept it, and bear the open shame of it. As far as I know none of it rises beyond a level that is pretty much the average for most people. We all leave a wake of people who don't like us and have plenty to accuse us of as we flail our way ungracefully through the world.

For a long time, I have felt that people don't find God, but it is God who finds people and reaches out to them when they are finally ready. I grew up going to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and learning that it was the only "true and restored church of Jesus Christ" and over the years I saw quite a bit of bitter fruit from the tree that is this church that was hard to square with the narrative that it is exclusively the true and restored church. I participate, but my expectations are a bit tempered by what I observe and experience.

I have finally decided I can more fully participate with my church without worrying that I am too attached to it. The last 8 years have been a practice in keeping my distance while I find a way to be ok with the idea that otherwise good people are sometimes shown the door through excommunication. When I consider the things that call out to me in a desire to participate in building Zion, I still see a future where I could be unfairly accused and excommunicated. Most people I share this concern with don't see how it could happen, but they haven't seen the things I have seen and I'm still too weak in my writing to describe the mechanisms of human nature that lead to it. In any case, I feel like I am close enough to god being my source of comfort that I could withstand having the church community taken from me. Now I feel I can participate without accidentally making my church participation an idolatrous worship of the institution itself instead of participation in a living body which itself experiences weakness, frailty, and maladies just like me.

A new name

As part of this transition, I decided that the name of this site was no longer apt. I felt like a heretic because I could see the cracks in the church and pointing them out is the quickest way to be accused of heresy.

Now it is time for a new focus. In my journey I learned about grace and most of all I learned things about grace that the correlated materials seem to be incapable of teaching. We get so wrapped up in our facts and figures while congratulating ourselves on having the whole truth that we miss how much we are neglecting. The love of god is so much more available and ready for us to receive than anything I ever learned in the church growing up. It is for this reason that I want to share the good news that god is giving it all away to anyone who will receive it. He is the man throwing a party and inviting all of the unwashed masses because his so-called friends are too busy with their excuses to show up.

This is why the header now says, "Grace Available" instead of "Heretic Diary", because grace is available. God is giving himself and everything he has away if we are willing to receive it. He sent his son to demonstrate that the path of sorrow still leads to him, and he will comfort anyone who turns to him. And what is the end of this salvation project? It is for all of us to come together and act individually to ease each other's burdens as a group. There's a lot more to say about this, but I believe that digging into the purpose of the establishment of Zion will show the way we are to proceed.

I know my weakness, but this is what I want to do. Participating in the establishment of Zion will require going into the wilderness again and I hope I will have the strength of Abraham, Lehi, and others who have followed god's call.