Grace Available

I recently met with my Bishop to declare my tithing status. We talked about my lack of a temple recommend and he wanted to dig in and understand what is holding me back from getting one. During our visit I failed to find the words to express why I didn't want to work on getting one again right now.

I really didn't want to say that it's because I don't want to get one just in time to be accused of apostasy so I have to go through the whole ordeal of getting it taken away. I feel like if I have a recommend I'm an owned man. Not so much owned by God as by the church, and there is a big difference between the two. When I don't have a recommend there is nothing that anyone can take from me and I don't have anything to fear from the law of the pharisees as found in the handbooks.

I also feel like not having a recommend allows me to stand with those that are marginalized by the church. I really can't work out why it is that the church seems to take the stances it does in Utah politics. I hear from some people that there are definitely lobbyists that are doing the bidding of the church and then I talk to others who seem to find it unbelievable that the church would get so involved directly instead of letting members do as they see fit in positions of public office. It's hard to argue without specific evidence at the ready, but it does appear to be clear from enough people who have witnessed it that their lobbyists go around during the legislative session making sure that the laws are made in a form that conforms to the church's liking. Unfortunately, using the law in this way turns it into a weapon against those who do not share our faith and is a form of unrighteous dominion. When the law harms, marginalizes, or otherwise inconveniences others I feel like I want to stand with them and mourn the damage done by people thinking they can bring salvation by subjugating all to the pharisaic law that some portion of the church apparently wants. Saying no to a recommend means I maintain my outsider status which makes it easier to be with others who are outsiders for other reasons.

For a long time I learned to feel guilt and shame for wanting to do things that I wanted to do. After being an elders quorum president and quickly burning out I decided that it was time to take up an expensive hobby or two that I had wanted to do for a long time. I had said no and denied that I wanted to do it for a very long time because I felt like using my income on this expensive hobby was somehow an unworthy thing. After growing up learning that I shouldn't enjoy the gifts I have received I now feel like when I say no to a time consuming calling or to getting a temple recommend it is my way of taking back a portion of control or agency over my life that I never felt like I got to enjoy before. As I think about it I feel like it is almost like teenage rebellion that I never felt like I could do back when I was actually a teenager.

I don't know how long this part of my life is going to last, but I feel like I missed out on a major building phase of my life and while you can't quite go back and do it again I'm trying to pick up the spare on a number of things that I didn't get to do because I was doing what was expected of me and not what I was really driven to do.

It's been 4 years and counting since I was introduced to the christian mystics and even longer since I was introduced to the various philosophies that have colored Christianity and changed Jesus' message. I can't unsee what I've seen and I can't unlearn what I've learned, but the things I've seen and learned have made it hard to participate as wholeheartedly as I did before burning out in my church calling. I want to have a relationship with God and I don't want to trust in anyone else, but things get more complicated when I don't see God in the institutional structure of my church that seems to behave like they're a necessary middleman to help me get to God.